Juliet Grayson has been seeing couples for over 25 years. In her opinion the most important relationship skill is self-differentiation. This is the ability to balance the need for individuality with the need for togetherness. How a person manages these two opposing drives will have a huge impact on their relationships.
Self-differentiation is a way of being. It enables people to be fully connected during an emotionally charged problem without controlling the people involved, rushing in to fix it, or emotionally withdrawing. A self-differentiated person can speak their mind, with thoughtful conviction even though others might disapprove. They don’t lose their connection to themselves, even while holding a deep connection to others – even those they love who hold very different opinions.
Where there is a lack of differentiation, one person is dependent upon the other for their emotional balance. This is known as emotional fusion. There is emotional togetherness but it lacks the freedom of individuality. Personal choices are constantly set aside to keep the peace. Undifferentiated people cannot separate their feelings from their thoughts. They get overwhelmed by feelings and unable to think logically.
There are three common patterns of emotional fusion. One will stifle their partner and be controlling, another will be adaptive and need reassurance and validation. The third kind will be skilled at disconnecting and emotionally cutting off.
Lack of self-differentiation not only creates relationship problems, but also generates tremendous inner turmoil. This person may get furious because they feel controlled by someone who wants to them to do something they don’t wish to do, but feels unsafe expressing their feelings openly. They may silence themselves around others and feel inauthentic, unheard, or invisible, with their needs unmet.
Juliet in her couples work focusses on helping each individual to develop the connection to their true selves, to be more authentic at the expense of approval of others, and to stay connected to others even when they disagree with them.
She will be exploring the process of self-differentiation. This workshop is designed for therapists AND for members of the general public.
Please read prior to beginning the talk
Part one: Introduction to self-differentiation; four points when working with self-differentiation; dysfunctions; low and high self-differentiation.
Part two: Emotional fusion; signs of fusion; other validated intimacy; self validated intimacy; switching from other to self.
Part three: Operating from your best/what you bring to relationships.
Part four: Lack of a sense of self; the best in ourselves and the worst in ourselves separated by the shadow; self-soothing/regulating.
FREE PREVIEWPart five: Questions from participants involving book recommendations, non-responsiveness, working with client self-differentiation, developing a sense of self.
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Pdf including links to upcoming workshops and talks, books, resources; quotes and definitions; slides used; poem read in talk.
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