The Most Important Relationship Skill - Part 2, with Juliet Grayson (75 mins)

This talk deepens the discussion held in Part 1 of this series, discussing self differentiation, emotional fusion, a reflected sense of self, self validated intimacy vs other validated intimacy, the tyranny of the lowest common denominator.

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Juliet Grayson will deepen the discussion on the topics of:
·       self differentiation,
·       emotional fusion,
·       a reflected sense of self,
·       self validated intimacy and other validated intimacy
·       the tyranny of the lowest common denominator
·       and steps to come out of emotional fusion and into self-differentiation

Juliet Grayson has been seeing couples for over 25 years. In her opinion the most important relationship skill is self-differentiation. This is the ability to balance the need for individuality with the need for togetherness. How a person manages these two opposing drives will have a huge impact on their relationships.

Self-differentiation is a way of being. It enables people to be fully connected during an emotionally charged problem without controlling the people involved, rushing in to fix it, or emotionally withdrawing. A self-differentiated person can speak their mind, with thoughtful conviction even though others might disapprove. They don’t lose their connection to themselves, even while holding a deep connection to others – even those they love who hold very different opinions.

Where there is a lack of differentiation, one person is dependent upon the other for their emotional balance. This is known as emotional fusion. There is emotional togetherness but it lacks the freedom of individuality. Personal choices are constantly set aside to keep the peace. Undifferentiated people cannot separate their feelings from their thoughts. They get overwhelmed by feelings and unable to think logically. There are three common patterns of emotional fusion. One will stifle their partner and be controlling, another will be adaptive and need reassurance and validation. The third kind will be skilled at disconnecting and emotionally cutting off.

Lack of self-differentiation not only creates relationship problems, but also generates tremendous inner turmoil. This person may get furious because they feel controlled by someone who wants to them to do something they don’t wish to do, but feels unsafe expressing their feelings openly. They may silence themselves around others and feel inauthentic, unheard, or invisible, with their needs unmet.

Juliet in her couples work focusses on helping each individual to develop the connection to their true selves, to be more authentic at the expense of approval of others, and to stay connected to others even when they disagree with them.

This workshop is designed for therapists and for members of the general public.

1. Part one: Introduction and re-introducing the topic of differentiation; emotional fusion and cut-off; definition of differentiation; high vs low self-differentiation; enmeshment.
2. Part two: Enmeshment continued and examples of emotional fusion.
  FREE PREVIEW
3. Part three: Four ways of being in a relationship; poems by William Ayot to illustrate these ways.
4. Part four: Two kinds of intimacy- other validated vs self validated.
5. Part five: Borrowed functioning; reflected sense of self.
6. Part six: Pseudo self vs real self continuum; clear sense of sense; operating from your best vs operating from your worst.
7. Part seven: Discussing how this content relates to one’s own life and the next stage of differentiation to think about; a Q&A; poem: Out There.
1. Listen here
1. Watch here
1. Pdf including links to upcoming workshops and talks, books, resources; quotes and definitions; slides used; a poem read in the talk.
1. Feedback form and certificate

About this course

£10.00
75 mins
Downloadable audio
CPD certificate

Speaker

Juliet Grayson is an experienced couples therapist, trainer, facilitator, and coach. Her work has been distilled out of a twenty-five year exploration of the ways in which people limit themselves, both personally and professionally.
Having specialised in working with relationship and sexual issues since 1994, she decided to write a book :Landscapes of the Heart: the working world of a sex and relationship therapist, published April 2016. She used to write for the Huffington Post, and has done many radio a few TV appeareances.

She designed and, with her team, runs a six module course on How to Work With Couples: for therapists who usually work one to one. She combines her extensive business experience - she ran her own company for fifteen years, and a second company for twenty years - with a profound knowledge of NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming), PBSP (Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor) and a deep understanding of systemic thinking.
Juliet is known in training circles for her warmth, for the thoroughness of her trainings, and for her ability to maintain a sense of fun whilst challenging those behaviours that call for a change.

She is a fully qualified psychosexual psychotherapist (UKCP Registgered, NLPtCA Acc), and a recognised supervisor (NLPtCA ) and a PBSP trainer. She has a private practice in Chepstow, South Wales.